A scathing celebration of Valentine's day

While other bloggers will be featuring heart accessories, red and pink outfits, and homemade felt heart wreathes in honor of Valentines day, I will be holding down the fort with a very personal, and scathing  celebration of the most shit-tastic "holiday" of all. I bring you, Dating Lows and Random Lecherous Fuckery I Have Endured, a Whole Pretty micro memoir.  That's right.  This is gonna be good.  Is it a good idea?  I don't know.  BUT, if I sat around vetting every idea I had before releasing it to you for your Whole Pretty pleasure, there would BE no Whole Pretty.  The following are real true quotes from real true dates yours truly really has suffered through. 

1.)"Water boarding is the shit."  Sports bar.  Blind Date. FBI agent from Laredo.  Extreme facial tic.  Spitting bits of sliders at me.  He was not joking.

I wasn't sure what to do with the imagery for this post so I just pulled some random stock footage of  their chosen professions. 

2.) "I've been really busy, after I dropped you off the other day, I had to rush home to drop off my kids and run to go meet my dinner date."  The Mayan Prince.  A troubling sentence on multiple levels.  One that he felt compelled to volunteer.  While treating me to all night HAPPY HOUR sushi, ie: DISCOUNTED sushi. 

3.) " I just want you to know, I am NOT chivalrous."  - Land surveyor within the first 5 minutes.  Really Land Surveyor?  Really?  THAT is what you want me to know? Out of the infinite choices of word combinations to share within the first five minutes of a first date, this treat chose "I just want you to know I am NOT chivalrous."  When I laughed, he dug IN with, "I'M NOT!"  So, I just left.   

3.) "I may be old enough to be your daddy, but that don't mean I won't play with your butt." - Current Texas Congressman at Austin Land and Cattle. It was odd because he then bookended the convo with details about his stem cell treatment for MS in Costa Rica and I felt sorry for him.

4.) Him: You want to play hits in the dark?

     Me: What's hits in the dark?

     Him: We turn off the lights and throw punches at each other. 

- A teenage boyfriend

5.) "Oh, noooooo, see it was a misunderstanding.  When I told you I broke up with my girlfriend, it was the girlfriend before my current girlfriend." - Barista Oh, I see!!!  You were talking about girlfriends of yore!  How did I not get that???!!!

6.) Violet and I in the park.

Him: "Hey Fancy, What's your pugs name?"
Me: "Violet"
stupid small talk ensues
Him: We should have a drink sometime.  You can find me on my website, DWIwins.com.  I'm "bulletproof."
Me: Huh?


Here is this "winner's" card ; )

So I dug a little deeper into this guy and I have good intel that he has a massive tattoo of his mom, in the clouds on his back.  And, she's still alive.


Additionally, he was held in contempt of court for throwing the universal gesture for jacking off at a female judge.

Did not work out very well for him.

Oh yea, his website is changed to dwibadass.com

And frankly, after reviewing his creds, this is exactly who I would call for friends or family, if they ever got a DWI.  Which, we NEVER will, because we spend a small fortune on cabs.  We love throwing $$$$ at a problem.

Happy Valentine's day, bitches.  Hearts and Hearts.