The naughty little world of Elizabeth Aubrey

Thursday, May 23, 2013

A Carrie Mulligan obsession in its infancy

Well.......sigh.......this is NOT something I'm proud of.  I think it's a little boring to have 2 posts in a row about gamine blonde white girls.  But there sure are a lot of them milling around the fashion landscape. HERDS I TELL YOU! HERDS!  However, when fashion truths happen, they happen.  They must be spoken.  Or all truths really. (That has always been my role in the family system too.  I say truths the family doesn't want to acknowledge and then get blamed for blowing shit up. LOL!)  So, this ISN'T EASY for me to once again have the BURDEN of being the TRUTH sayer.

BUT Carrie Mulligan SHUT IT THE F**K DOWN in this incredibly elegant Christian Dior white dress. IT HAPPENED.  I CAN'T IGNORE THE FASHION TRUTH. (previous sentence meant to be screamed like Jack Nicholson in A Few Good Men.) I would have done a bolder earring. Cray Cray about the platinum hair.

No sir Jack Nicholson.  Not to me.  Not today.  All I do, day in day out, is HANDLE THE F*CKING TRUTH.  Good day sir.

Friday, May 3, 2013

Personal Gwyneth Paltrow Feelings

Been ruminating on this dress GP wore to The Iron Man Premier.  I'm totally crazy about it.  But more importantly, this rumination led me to a higher level of understanding for Gwyneth.

I'm naming it.  Personal Gwyneth Paltrow Feelings.  As you know, there is a power in naming, a reclamation of power in inventing a personal lexicon that speaks your truth.   I'm gonna take it one step further and Acronym it. Personal Gwyneth Paltrow Feelings = PGPF.  We ALL have them and from observation, I have seen them run the gamut from idolatry to vicious derision.  (spell check just tried to change vicious to VISCOUS which got me thinking about VISCOUS DERISION which made me feel violated and confused so I re-focused)  Anyway my PGPF about this dress are nothing other than YES! and Hoot Hoot!

I'm fine with her ass hanging out.  I mean she probably has a PHD in the Tracy Anderson Method.  Tracy's motto is "Trying to help women get to their tiniest and strongest."  Which to me feels insidious ALTHOUGH ADMITTEDLY MY WORKOUT IS VERY SIMILAR.  I mean, I'M IN THE FREAKING MATRIX JUST LIKE EVERYBODY ELSE.  OF COURSE, I ENCOURAGE YOU TO HAVE WHATEVER ORGANIC PERSONAL TRACY ANDERSON FEELINGS YOU NEED TO HAVE ABOUT THAT.

A dress and its mommy haven't made me so happy since well, since last Wednesday when Kate Middleton made an appearance at The National Portrait Gallery in London.

ADORBS!  The shade, the shape, the hands on the baby bump, the 1/2 up, 1/2 down, ALL distracting me from the GODDAMN NUDE PANTY HOSE AND YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THAT!  Oh Kate, you had me from the charity lingerie fashion show at St. Andrews when you DEMANDED William took notice of you.


Monday, April 29, 2013

Failed BRAVO pilot

We shot it at Uchi and had a blast.  BRAVO had issues with my complete disregard for my own safety and the safety of others, my drinking, my pandering for a job etc.  WHATNEVER.  I still love Andy Cohen with all my heart & that will never change. EVER.  AND, at least I learned a new drinking game.  So how's that for a Silver Linings Playbook.

Let's tweet about this muther of a failure, s'hall we?!!

Monday, April 22, 2013

This email is going to be a rough fucking ride...

Rarely do I simply repost unoriginal content but this is worth it.

Rebecca Martinson is super pissed at her sorority sisters for majorly FUCKING up with Sigma Nu.  You need to read the whole thing.  Christmas in May.

If you just opened this like I told you to, tie yourself to whatever chair you're sitting in, because this email is going to be a rough fucking ride.

For those of you that have your heads stuck under rocks, which apparently is the majority of this chapter, we have been FUCKING UP in terms of night time events and general social interactions with Sigma NU.  I've been getting texts on texts about people LITERALLY being so fucking AWKWARD and so fucking BORING.   If you're reading this right now and saying, "But oh em gee Julia, I've been having so much fun with my sisters this week!", then punch yourself in the face right now so that I don't have to fucking find you on campus and do it myself.

I do not give a flying fuck and Sigma Nu does not give a flying fuck, about how much you fucking love to talk to your sisters.  You have 361 days out of the year to talk to sisters, and this week is NOT, and I fucking repeat NOT ONE OF THEM.  This week is about fostering relationships in the Greek community, and that's not fucking possible if you're going to stand around and talk to each other and not to our matchup.  Newsflash you stupid cocks: FRATS DON'T LIKE BORING SORORITIES.  Oh wait,  DOUBLE FUCKING NEWSFLASH: SIGMA NU IS NOT GOING TO WANT TO HANG OUT WITH US IF WE FUCKING SUCK, which by the way in case you're an idiot and need it spelled out for you, WE FUCKING SUCK SO FAR.  This also applies to you little shits who have talked about post gaming at a different frat IN FRONT OF SIGMA NU BROTHERS.  Are you people fucking slow?  That's not a rhetorical question,  I LITERALLY want you to email me back telling me if you're mentally slow so I can make sure you don't go to anymore night time events.  If Sigma Nu said, "Yea we're gonna invite Zeta over", would you be happy? WOULD YOU?  No you wouldn't, SO WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO IT TO THEM??  IN FRONT OF THEM??!!  First of all you SHOULDN'T be post gaming with other frats, I don't give a fuck if your boyfriend is in it, if your brother is in it, if your entire family is in that frat.  YOU DON'T GO.  YOU. DON'T. GO.  And you ESPECIALLY do fucking NOT convince other girls to leave with you.

"But Julia!", you say in a whiny little bitch voice to your computer screen as you read this email, "I been cheering on our teams at all the sports, doesn't that count for something?" NO YOU STUPID FUCKING ASS HATS, IT FUCKING DOESN'T.  DO YOU WANNA KNOW FUCKING WHY?!! IT DOESN'T COUNT BECAUSE YOU'VE BEEN FUCKING UP AT SOBER FUCKING EVENT TOO.  I've not only gotten texts about people being fucking WEIRD at sports (for example, being stupid shits and saying stuff like "Durr what's kickball?" is not fucking funny), but I've gotten texts about people actually cheering for the opposing team.  The opposing. Fucking. Team.  ARE YOU FUCKING STUPID?!! I don't give a SHIT about sportsmanship, YOU CHEER FOR OUR GODDAMN TEAM AND NOT THE OTHER ONE, HAVE YOU NEVER BEEN TO A SPORTS GAME? ARE YOU FUCKING BLIND? Or are you just so fucking dense about what it means to make people like you that you think being a good little supporter of the Greek community is going to make our matchup happy?  Well it's time someone told you, NO ONE FUCKING LIKES THAT, ESPECIALLY OUR FUCKING MATCHUP.  I will fucking cunt punt the next person I hear about doing something like that, and I don't give a fuck if you SOR  me, I WILL FUCKING ASSAULT YOU.

"Ohhh Julia, I'm now crying because your email has made me oh so sad".  Well good.  If this email applies to you in anyway, meaning if you are a little ass wipe that stands in the corners at night or if you're a weird shit that does weird shit during the day, This following message is for you; DO NOT GO TO TONIGHT'S EVENT. 

I'm not fucking kidding period.  Don't go.  Seriously, if you have done ANYTHING I've mentioned in this email and have some rare disease where you're unable to NOT do these things, then you are HORRIBLE, I repeat, HORRIBLE PR FOR THIS CHAPTER.  I would rather have forty girls that are fun, talk to boys, and not fucking awkward than eighty that are fucking losers.  If you are one of the people that have told me "Oh nooo boo hoo I can't talk to boys, I'm too sober", than I pity you because I don't know how you got this far in life, and with that in mind, don't fucking show up unless you're going to stop being a goddamn cock block for our chapter.  Seriously.  I swear to fucking God if I see anyone being a goddamn boner at tonight's event, I will tell you to leave even if you're sober.  I'm not even kidding.  Try me. 

And for those of you who are offended at this email, I would apologize but I really don't give a fuck.  Go fuck yourself.


This is, for me, the best thing that will happen in 2013.  I know it's only May BUT I am comfortable with that assertion.

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

An interview with my grandmother, JOBEETHA

Hellooooooo dolls!!!!  Austinites, I know you are extremely busy either enjoying SXSW OR resenting the shit out of it.  So, why don't you take a lil break from the madness to enjoy my interview with my grandmother.  She is a RIOT & a 1/2!!! This clip is living on my new, exciting You Tube channel!  Do you have CHILLS?!? KNEW IT! And I have one more little favor - SUBSCRIBE to my You Tube Channel.  If you HURRY, you might be my 4th subscriber!!! Once you do that, I will reward you with your choice of the following:  FIVE laser hot seconds of my energy focused EXCLUSIVELY on you, a single strand of Violet's hair, OR a snack size package of baby carrots!! : ) : ) : )  SEE, QUID PRO QUO!!!! I'M NOT JUST A TAKER!!!!!  

Thursday, February 21, 2013

The Whole Pretty spoofs the Lance/Oprah interview

 WOOP WOOP! Do I have some fun for you! Please check out The Whole Pretty's spoof of the Lance Armstrong/Oprah interview! And for God sakes, subscribe to The Whole Pretty You Tube Channel.  Subscribing to You Tube channels IS THE NEW BLACK!  And The Whole Pretty You Tube Channel is like a CHANEL LITTLE BLACK DRESS!!! BUT, it's FREE AND it makes you GIGGLE!!! SO, turn that down if you dare!!